The Black Clods

This morning even i still feel so sleepy.. i try to wake up for study and remember some formula that i need to use in the mid exam..
but when i look my watch it show 7:30 am so i think there's no time again for study
so i just go to take a bath and go to campus as soon as possible..

after i hav arrived at the class, i take some time to learn again some part that i dont understand and wish that part dont out in the exam.. i dont feel so sure if the exam will be so easy, but i'll try to believe if what i hav learn will be usefull and can help me to finish this exam..

finally the time come 9 am, the exam begin.. the answer sheet and the case paper is shared by the lecture..
first thing that i do is look the case.. its be 4 numbers and when i read it one by one, i can know if the exam will be not very smooth as i think..
from 4 numbers, i just know the case number 3 and its point just 4 from 30..
the 3 numbers again i dont know how to solve that things.. but i remember one thing, one principle from my PIC if you find the difficult case that you cant be solve, just try to solve it as well as you can..
so i just try to solve the all case and fill the answer sheet with anything that i know..

after that exam, i keep wondering whats wrong with the mid exam? is it cuz of i dont have enough time to study, is it cuz i dont understand what the lecture explaine in the class or is it because there so many thing that too much too thinking about, so i cant be focus to my study..
y whatever the reason , i try not to blame anyone or anything.. maybe the wrong one is me.. im not ready for this exam  not trying hard and dont hav a max effort to learn...

y its like my stat today, i've been walking down and keep walking down why this black cloud keeps walking around me..

i dont know what must i do for the next time.. in the one part i want to continue this way and keep trying to finish all of this.. but im not sure if i can do that and i afraid if i just will be wasting my time..
and in the other part if i give up and back i think its not solve the problem and im not sure too if there will be better then here for me...
y its still be a confusing thing for thinking...

i wont be regret all decision that i hav take, but i thing there's still be so many better option out there that i can choose..
why i must choose difficult way if there still be an easy way?

yup, its to late..
and today i was make my final decision if i will try to finish this chapter one as best as i can do..
if the result still bad like today, y i think i must made one conclusion if at here isnt my place..

the most disturbing part is i have so many people near me now that really dont understand my condition, they are not support or help me to study well, but give a lot of invitation to "having fun" that really hard to refuse..
and i have accept some of it, with the pressure and regretfull of course..
y i think the main point i be here is to study, not to playing around or do some nationalism activity for my country... y its important to do i know, but its not my interest point why i come to here...
im an Indonesian students, but im not too comfort for always being related with everything that other Indonesian students did..
i am what i am... i have my own way to live, to express my feel, and to thinking.. so please apreciate this!!
i think i dont need to explaine this directly to them for make them realize if what they do is not thing that i want

but its so hard, they proud with the differenciation that they have... but they cant accept if im being diffrence with them... hah, its so ridicolous.. is it wrong to be difference?

y whatever i was dont care with all things they do.. i just will be concern with my job and finish this as well as i can..

"I can live until now because im still walk on my tight way, the difference way that they think is so weird to walk.."

and

I believe someone out there will make eveything better for me, if there's none, then I'll make it BEST on my own :)